Today... I am just a Mom.... someone who gave birth and adopted 8 kids. Some one who said, YEP, I will be there for the snotty noses, throwing ups, fevers and chills. I will be there for the heart breaks, and the joys. I will be there to teach them right from wrong and have patience with the tantrums.
But today, I feel drained. Like... I have no answers! Where is my manual?!! *seriously... I am serious here... where is it????*
From a teenager who is trying to find herself.... to realizing SPRING TIME something must of happened to the youngest three... because this has been a month of little sleep... of night mares, of acting out, of angry and not sure why moments and of melt downs. Today.... I just don't know what else to do to make it all right... and maybe that is the big picture. I can't make it all right. I can only do what I can and hope its good enough. I can't help my teenager.... I have given her all the great advice, love and support possible... but SHE has to find her way and figure it out for herself.
I can't fix what I have no clue is wrong with my three little ones...what they are feeling. I am sure they don't even understand. I am guessing this is when bio mom left them in the night... and didn't come back. Who knows maybe its worse..... *you wonder... what could be worse than being abandoned and left to fend for yourself* who knows, but I know that my arms around them, them crawling in bed with me at night and me staying calm while they are raging or screaming... helps.
But I am drained. Today I just want to cry... because... I CAN'T FIX IT ALL! I can't help them. I feel lost on even how.... I keep praying for direction and help, but I know the answer I keep feeling is.... time.... they have to go through this.... and it is so hard watching them go through this!!!!! It breaks my heart!
With my son who has been traumatized the most, I wonder... will I be able to help him? Can I really endure all that I am about to go through with him? *envisioning some stuff here* The UNKNOWN really scares me. I don't want to make mistakes or screw these kids up more.
So I felt the need to share my emotions.... I have so many thoughts running through my head. I need to just get on my knees and feel my Heavenly Fathers arms around me telling me to continue on... that I am doing well..because right now, I question it... I am trying... I really am... but I wish I was a miracle worker! REALLY WISH FOR THAT SUPER POWER RIGHT ABOUT NOW!
Hugs! Hang in there! And get that appt with a therapist set up for yourself. You need some support so that you can support the kids. Love you and pray for you.
ReplyDeleteCynthia
Remember, even Heavenly Father doesn't try to make everything better for us as we go through our trials. He is there for us, He loves us, but sometimes we just have to muddle our way through it ourselves and figure out who we are.
ReplyDeleteI think that thought comforts me as a mother, and reminds me of the pattern of Divine parentage. . .give them the best we can (blessings) and let our children do what they will with it (agency). When we (God's children) were young (ancient Israel) He gave us much instruction about even the smallest details of life, how we dressed, what we ate, who we talked to, etc . . . as we grew and matured (when Christ came and after) he gave us broader instruction with more responsibility for making good decisions (love one another and love God . . . make sure your choices reflect these two great laws). (just my interpretation there). I know I'm not perfect, and I don't have it all down and there are days when I look at my kids and wonder what the HECK I was thinking and why would the Lord even let me think I could mother them--but He has given us a pattern and the capacity to love His little ones and that is one HELL of a blessing.
We get tired as parents, as MOMS. It's OK. Loving children isn't necessarily supposed to be fun OR easy all the time.
I think you are doing an amazing job and just remember there are things they all have to learn to work out on their own. You have taught them well know it is time for them to take your advice or find their own advice through themselves. It is better for them at times to just have to work it out. As for the little one's when they are mad help them realize why they are mad what triggered them to get mad and if it is just a tantrum that kids do then let them throw it and then ask them if they feel better now or could they have done it different and felt better. They have the answers. You need to assess your parenting style. There are different ways and each one needs to be taught different you know that there is no just one way that works for every kid. I wish I could find the book I had loaned you that worked for Kaleen but I let someone else use it and now it is gone. I have two others that are excellent that will help a great Deal. One is Raising an Emotionally intelligent Child By John Gottman, he teaches you what type of parent you are by taking a test then he teaches you How to use the right Parenting skills.Then there is Raising children who think for themselves By Elisa Medhus. The both have their PHD. I also have many more for children who learn differently and the challenged child. You can always borrow them if you like. I am working out at the YMCA so I can always drop them by.
ReplyDeleteYour doing great I know it helps to have great books to read along the way. Keeps you uplifted and going strong on day's like this. Hope you feel better soon.
Everyone has already given such wonderful advice & I'm so glad you aren't "giving up" :) Something that helps me when my kids are acting up is to go back and re-read my journal or their scrapbook where I have written down their baby blessings or the feelings I had from their blessings, and it helps me keep how truly special they are in mind and then little misbehaviors don't seem so big
ReplyDeleteDonell
Hugs!! Why does everything seem to come at once?? And yes, we cannot do it- I often say, Heavenly Father, I can't do it today- do it for me.
ReplyDeleteIt does suck not being able to fix it all.