A new blog

I have decided to go to my other blog and write from there. If you would like to follow me... go to.....
http://familyjourneyintoeternity.blogspot.com/
 I love the look of that blog better and I just feel like ONE BLOG is plenty to keep up for me :) hope to see ya there... I love comments so feel free to leave some :) Thanks :)

The Lord has been preparing me....

 Wow.... has the Lord been preparing me again... Once again putting thoughts into my head about a child of mine, who isn't a child anymore....  I can't exactly share yet.... still waiting for her to realize what I already know.
But I wanted to take a moment to say.... The Lord does know me, he knows I need help and preparation and he has been doing that. I am thankful for that. So very thankful.  I know that what will be will be hard for me and a blessing all together.    We will be fasting and praying that she finds out what she feels she must do.   I could be wrong.... but I am pretty sure that I have been prepared... and that is all I can say until more is allowed.

Do you love me?

This weekend was General Conference. I loved it. There were very powerful talks given, many touching my heart and lifting my spirits.  One talk by Elder Jeffrey Holland really moved me. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I cried through his whole talk.  It was about our Savior and how much do we love him? It can be watched here http://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2012/10?lang=eng&vid=1884811466001&cid=9

Some of the questions he shared were as if he was Jesus saying to all of us, " DO YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN ALL OF THIS?"  *all of whatever else we may put before him..... our movies, books, video games, shopping... the list is long and for me... I can add food. *

DID NOT MY LIFE AND LOVE TOUCH YOU MORE THAN THIS? *as if Jesus were asking*  more than all the other things we choose to put into our lives to take up our time and energy.

Elder Holland then gave me more to think about...  Come judgement day, when I am blessed to meet with Christ face to face and he asks me..."DO YOU LOVE ME?"  will I be able to stand there and  say with a clear conscience. YES, OH YES MY LORD, I LOVE THEE SO VERY MUCH! *by what I did with my life... how I served others and shared the gospel. How I tried to live as Christlike as possible.

 It has been the question I am now asking myself every time I make a decision.  I say to myself, " Will this show Jesus that I love him?"   I want to make it one of our families new family motto's.   I want them to think every time they go to act or choose to do something.... "will this show that I love Jesus?" 

 I have  a lot of work to do...  to be able to say I have done all I could. I mentioned food above because I think if I feed my body things that are not healthy that I am not showing Him how much I love him. I was given this great blessing of a body.  How can I treat it so badly ? It is my personal temple. Like the temple I attend I would not dare enter in unworthily and this is how I must think about my body as well.

When I don't make time to connect with the Lord daily I am not showing HIM I love him. I want to show him, I want to be able to kneel at his feet and thank him for this life and look into his eyes and without him having to ask me... "DO YOU LOVE ME"  have him just respond with, " THOU GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT, WELCOME HOME"  I want him to know it... to not even need to ask it. I want to help others and serve others more. I want to teach it to my children.  I am now praying for help with this.... asking the Lord to guide me to opportunities to be able to do just that.

My husband did point out something that gave me great comfort. He said, " You already are serving... your family."  That meant a great deal to me, for him to not only recognize it but to point it out to me, because sometimes I feel like what I do is just my job, but indeed... Mothers everywhere do serve their families and loved ones constantly :) 



I am excited to think of new goals to make for myself and with my family that will be orientated about Christ and serving him.

Thank you HEIDI!

                           A  week ago we *the healthy challenge group and I*  were challenged by our nutritionist Heidi, to not get on our computers more than twice a day.  Well...that challenge wasn't as hard as it could of been for me, because my computer broke.... *not completely but it wouldn't connect to the Internet and we don't have the money to have someone check it out.*

So...... I have a tablet. which is way smaller and sometimes frustrating for me to use and I have my husbands laptop, which I do not like. So this challenge was easier for me.  I wanted to get on, but couldn't. It kinda took the challenge part out of my hands and made it a "THIS IS HOW IT IS " thing for me.    After some time now, I have realized  I am doing more.  I will be honest, I didn't think I was spending a lot of time on the computer, but looking back now.... I think I spent the majority of my day there.  Crazy! How did I spend so much time on there?  

 I want to say THANK YOU HEIDI and thank you to God that my computer broke. Heidi made a comment to me after it happened that it might be a blessing in disguise. Oh was I upset at first with her for saying that.  "RIGHT A BLESSING???? HELLO!

 Yes it has been a great blessing. A  HUGE BLESSING! I am getting more done around the house that I was neglecting, I am spending more time with my family and children than I did.

 

 I am not so FUZZY in the brain, which sounds weird, but.... I got to where I wasn't really listening to my children and only heard little bits and pieces, focusing was harder.  I am starting to wonder if all that inactivity were some of the reasons?  

Either way, I am thankful for not being on the computer as much. I have felt better, HAPPIER because I have been more productive.  HAPPIER! did you see that one? Who knew! :)



I have made an exercise room over the weekend and painted a wall I have wanted to paint for a while. :)  It feels good. So good, that I told my husband, I feel like I have shut the world out! It FEELS GOOD!   I am not missing out on anything like I thought I would be. People who are really in my life are IN MY LIFE! Calling me, coming over and connecting with me the old fashion way.  That is how its suppose to be. I know when we get our computer fixed, I want to stick to the rule of no more than twice a day. I might even only do it once in a while or once a day :)  I am filling my life up with things that matter... LIKE MY CHILDREN!

 MY FRIENDS! THE GOSPEL :)   It feels good to feel like I am back to me or my old self... a part of me that has been missing for a while. This one challenge has really helped me and changed me for the better. THANK YOU THANK YOU AGAIN HEIDI! I have needed this OLD ME BACK :)

The good old days

  I have thought alot about my ancestors... how they did their day to day things that they had to do in order survive. In order to eat daily. I am starting to think I need to prepare for that day to come again. Do I sound like a nut? Well I believe that things are going to get harder not easier in the near future. I believe that some of us won't be able to afford gas, or heat... forget air conditioning. I believe we will be living under very different circumstances.  I believe our government is going to fall so badly that we will all be left to survive, just like our ancestors did once.
  So I have decided to try to make everything from scratch, better organize my time with my chores, children and exercise. I am thinking everything from scratch has to taste better, will be healthier for us. I want to make mistakes now not when its really important and I need to know how then. I want to see if I can incorporate my children into helping. 
Anyhow.... I have been sick... I have a sore throat that I am praying won't turn into strep. I haven't had much energy to physically do anything but I do have a lot of time to think and these were the thoughts that ran thru my head... along with a huge list of supplies I want to start collecting for such events.  Candles, oil for lamps, food, water, batteries, flash lights, animal food. You name it. We started our food storage a while back, I would say I have maybe 5 to 6 months worth of food for our family of 11. That is a lot of food, but I want to continue my progress till I feel confident I have a years worth :)   
   Food storage, water storage and ways to cook without power has been on my mind strong.  I have even thought about adding diapers and wipes to my pile because I have a grand baby coming.  I want to always have everything my family *children* need even after they are married. We will survive way better in hard times if we all come together and work together :) Its my hope my home is every one's safe haven :)
    I know that my ancestors were physically stronger than I am. Its my goal to become stronger, to work even harder every day so that I FALL into my bed at night. I am not trying to focus on weight...just getting healthy :)

Mind over Matter

I woke up this morning and found myself comforted by this  song......
Where Can I Turn for Peace...       Which is appropriate right now for me.  I have some things going on in my life that I am not going to share at this moment, because I am still trying to figure them all out.  

Satan sure knows me.... he knows how to play my thoughts... I have heard that we are our own worst enemy. Meaning, I am my worst enemy and you are yours. We say things to ourselves, that hopefully no one has ever said to our face or thought about us.    I have found my thoughts running rampid since I have so much on my mind lately... some of them are really not good for me. 

That is when I found myself praying, or talking to God.  And this song came into my head.... the words brought me comfort.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace? When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where. when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only ONE.
He answers privately, Reaches my reaching, In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

I love music. It always lifts me and touches me. I wish I had the gift to write such a beautiful song. I am so thankful that someone did!

We taught our children last night at family home evening, through a story in the Friend Magazine, that if you hear someone saying bad words, sing a song in your head from church. I think its great that I found that same thought pattern when I found myself talking negatively to myself.  It started out as me venting to the Lord, telling him all my worries and upsets.... which then turned into self inflicting thoughts of turmoil.... then the words of this song, swooped in my mind and it all went away.  I felt peace... I felt comfort, I felt loved and well again.



Mind over matter is a lot of it I guess. With any situation we all have a certain amount we can contribute and control.  I took that control and gave it all to the Lord.  I think I might have to try singing lyrics of church hymns more often. I might find my thoughts and spirits are lifted more :)

Wrap my head around it all.....

So I have this goal * challenge* ahead of me. To become healthier. To give up all that does not belong in my body that isn't good for it. To exercise daily. To not give up and to become a better me.  As I have been processing all of this.... my efforts and failures, I have always seen myself find ways to give up... or to stop myself from achieving this ONE VERY IMPORTANT GOAL!  When I think about it, there has always been some great excuse for me to NOT START or to stop for a bit.... from holidays, to family/friend get togethers....  the question I am contemplating today isn't what is my excuse right now? because I have several that would make anyone say OH THAT IS A GOOD REASON..... my question is... WHY DO I ALLOW THESE EXCUSES TO STOP ME?  
 the answers I have come up with are...
                1. its easier to do.
                 2. less to do or plan/brainless
                  3. its familiar
                    4. its always an option

So then I need to look at each one of those excuses and say... WHAT?????????  The funny thing is... I have always thought of myself as a LOVE THE CHALLENGE GIRL! Where did she go? What happened to her? In the past I felt alive when I got a challenge to hit head on and I felt alive when I ACCOMPLISHED ONE! When did the lazy, tired woman who gave up so easily come into play?  And why haven't I kicked her butt to the curb?  I guess I feel ANGRY!  With myself.... how could I let myself  DOWN like this?  Why do I resort back to 1,2,3, or 4 as my excuses? When am I going to get it and say ENOUGH????
     
I am hoping that its today. That this emotional turmoil I cause myself is just a hiccup in the road and I can wrap my head around it all and see before me CLEARLY again.   I can be the best cheer leader for everyone else... but not myself?  I can be the motivator for everyone else but me?  that is just messed up!

So here is my counter answers to the numbers above.  ITS NOT EASIER, maybe for that moment, but then I have to deal with the after math of my body going bonkers cause I just did something it was trying to avoid...   Less to do? really? So if I don't eat healthy I don't have to plan my family meals? WRONG! I am still planning so I might as well plan healthy!   Its familiar...... well, yes it is... however I have found it exciting making and trying new meals... I have found comfort in feeling like BETTY CROCKER doing it healthy style... like I have accomplished something... so why not make the new stuff familiar?  better yet... Why not make it HABIT and NATURAL! :)  and the 4th was its always an option..... WHY IS THAT ALWAYS AN OPTION? I need to find other options.  I have a group of other ladies who are going through this too.. I need to rely on them or my husband or a friend. If none of them are available.... why can't I just get  my sorry butt off the chair and get away?  what is stopping me? 

I am not waiting till tomorrow to start this. I am starting this now....  I use to say "oh well theres always tomorrow to start fresh..." No, that isn't working.... years of TOMORROWS led me to where I am now... it has to start right now with the next thing I put into my mouth!  I did mess up this morning. I had an emotional break down and I messed up... but that shouldn't be an end all of all! It was a bump.... a minor pot hole in the road that I didn't avoid and now...I am avoiding the rest!   



I know I must sound so psychotic... but... I have to be real with me. I have to heal me from the inside out and to heal me, to fix all of this... I have to be honest with myself and look at the bigger picture.   I don't want to obsess over my next meal or think about food.... I want obsess about life...living. Being in the moment now with whom ever I am with.  I don't want to look at myself in the mirror like this... without seeing changes in my body. I don't want to walk back wards, only FORWARDS!  I failed this morning... HOORAY because now I can learn from it... go through it and move FORWARD!  God gave me emotions to feel. I need to learn to express them and that it is OK TO CRY instead of shoving food down my throat. ITS OK to be upset.... as long as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He did not make me to not feel anything... So, on with the journey... I had a great cry.. I feel better and now... I am getting on with my day!  










 

a new journey....

        So one of my closest friends of  18 years literally just left Idaho.  I feel a little lost at the moment, highly emotional and sad. I know that she is being driven to where she is going next, literally driven if not pushed! I know she really has exhausted all possibilities to stay as long as she could.  I don't do CHANGE well or easily. I really struggle. 
         So I want to run and go eat something or drink something that I usually find great comfort in whenever life isn't going my way... or I am hurting.  BUT..... I can't. 
          I have the desire to get healthy.  A deep desire. I am thinking and hoping its a stronger desire that it can over come this temptation to do the other bad habit.   I have started my own little new journey just recently. It has taken me longer than most to get where I am today. Some people, they can do this new lifestyle eating and exercises with ease.  They make a plan and just do it. For me, it has taken a couple weeks to get the hang of the food, then I added exercise. I am still not doing what I need to exactly but I am getting there. I am excited to say that I have pushed myself. Todd and I have been going to the y to swim laps for 30 minutes. I have never had swimming lessons in my life. I am probably the funniest person to watch swim, but I haven't let that stop me. In fact the life guards are so sympathetic *or worried* that they have taken time to help give me pointers. I am now able to swim a lap while putting my face in the water and coming up for air on the side like real swimmers, how ever, sometimes I still gasp and have to keep my head up a little longer to catch my breath but I keep going and then I put it back in the water when I am ready. Sometimes I even inhale water... that isn't fun either. The point is I am doing something I never thought I could do... and it hasn't been easy. I am embarrassed to get in and try every time I do. I feel the eyes watching me, I feel like people are snickering. But I don't want that to stop me. My husband said he was really impressed because I am almost passing him up and when he needs to stop I am still going. :)
Its been good for us to do together. Working out has bonded us more... we have a goal to shoot for together :) So nice to not do it alone.
              I am struggling with the new foods... not that they are bad but I am not as full as long or sometimes its satisfied. Sometimes I just want sugar or something sweet or something not so good for me. So here I am.... tears going down my face because one of my best friends just left and I know she isn't coming back. I know it. I almost feel like singing TILL WE MEET AGAIN. We are both NOT in any position to go back and forth and see each other as much as we like to dream we can. It may be years before I see her again. That is so sad to me. No one has gotten me the way she has.... and I can do and say things to her that I can't anyone else. She gets me.  I am thankful for Internet, texting and phones but it won't be the same....
           So I started to write because that little devil showed up on my left shoulder... saying, "GO GET..... yada yada" *basically right now a frozen hot chocolate is what I was thinking about... and I have the good angel on my right saying... NO DON'T ! You have worked too hard to do this... it won't change anything... it won't keep your friend here or make the pain any easier!!!  
            I have always told my children GOOD always wins over EVIL... so that has to be out come here.  I am going to go work out instead... drink some water and hope that the temptation goes away. I might have a good cry too but  at the end of that cry and work out I think I will feel better. 
On with the journey.... here we go.... bye Tam!

God does prepare us... he is there... :)

 I have been watching three of my closest friend go through three very difficult times and circumstances.  One has lost everything, literally, her home and work.  One has lost trust and faith her spouse, and one has lost the ability to have a normal life at this moment while her husband is in the hospital, he has been for weeks and weeks to come.

I have been thinking about life myself... how my life is...where it is at, from my marriage to my children, the stage in life I am in and my Mom.  I have thought a lot about trials lately... trying to be that good friend to my friends.... wondering why they have to hurt. Crying with them, praying for them and rejoicing in their ability to continue to move forward and to do so with great hope!

I have felt a lot of anxiety lately.  I know that I am being prepared for a farewell in my life. To someone I treasure and love deeply. I know that God is preparing me for this event because all my life I have been afraid of it. I have been sickened by it, by the mere thought of it happening. I have felt the depths of despair  over it.... begging God to please just give me more time. But through all of this, I have been brought to the things I know and believe in. The things I trust. Which is... that everything happens for a reason.  That everyone must die.  I don't want this to happen, NO ONE EVER DOES.  But I have been through it before and those times were heart breaking. My brother, my sister, my father, my friends, my grandparents and my mother in law.  Death is NOT THE END! I know this... I know that these loved ones are angels and they are near me. I know this. I know they have work to do on the other side, but I know they check on me. They are here when I whisper their name or think of them out of the blue.  I am thankful for that knowledge. To know that they go on... out of pain, only with joy and love surrounding them.  I am thankful to know they are not just dead in the ground dead.  I am thankful that life has more purpose than that! That we have more to look forward to and that there is no real end, only progression!

I watch my friends, hurting and searching for answers for themselves. Becoming closer to God as they go through all that they do and learning from these very difficult trials, and I want to help them. I want to take their pain away. I want to make life easy and good for them. But I also know that this will make them... something stronger, more and even better. That this will stretch them to the point of breaking and they will not break! That they will find that strength with in themselves and continue to press forward and do all that they must and can!  I know that God has prepared each one for it to. I know right now they can't see it, but I can.  My friend who has lost her home and is jobless right now, she knows how to juggle things under the worst possible situations ... she is amazing at finding resources and making it, even with what seems to be nothing. I have learned so much from her.  Even in her darkest moments.... she still stood.... maybe feeling battered and beaten but she stood and she kept going and she found hope and strength to do it all. She is so strong. I know she hates where she is at right now in her life.. she so desperately wants her life to be different. But I know she will make it what she wants and things are going to end up better in the end for her. I just know it! She is a hard worker, a great Mother and Wife. She can feel like the world has dumped on her but she still listens to everyone else who needs to vent and she is still able to lift them, direct them and love them.  She has such Christ like attributes, she doesn't even know!  I have been blessed to call her friend!

I have watched my other friend who is struggling with something that has shaken her faith and trust in her husband be prepared for this. She got really sick and had horrible symptoms for like 6 months from this illness... which made her feel miserable. This illness took a serious toll on her emotionally and every other way. But through that she got closer to God, she kept going on... she didn't let it stop her and she became even stronger than she thought and now when her world feels like its falling apart, when Satan himself is trying to destroy a family.... she is pulling through. She is turning to the one who has never left her side and helped her through everything. She hurts, but she knows in her heart what is the most important. She won't allow Satan to take her down. She is trusting in God and forgiving and will learn to trust again. She is keeping her most valued and sacred thing together... her family! I am so proud of her. Her decisions and her strength.  For she is a light to many on how to turn to God and give it to him.  She has fought many battles in her life and each time she has come out on top... and has won. I know she will do the same here!

My last friend, she is just as amazing as the other two women I have mentioned. She has such a loving heart. She has served so many people and has a special gift to work with handicapped people. Not many people have this gift of patience, love and service.  Her life has not been easy by far, but she always has found the sunny side. The "it's going to be alright" side. Even when her first marriage fell apart, she was still the friend I knew and loved. She was not angry, just sad... she still wanted to fight for what she felt was important and good. But God had a better plan for her. Then she met her current husband.  She became even more. She did things with her new husband she didn't even realize she could do. He opened a whole new world up to her. Her life became happy again, full of love and like she deserved! But now her spouse is suffering some health issues... she is separated from him... which is hard on any marriage. She is being the single parent, working, taking care of everything and running back and forth to a hospital hoping her love will recover soon and come home. Her life is upside down with some other details that have recently happened from her ex, that has just added to heart break and stress.  But here she is.... still standing, ever so strong... doing what she has to... day to day... and still SMILING! She might be smiling but it doesn't mean that all is well.... you will not hear her complain.  She is a light soul, a happy soul  and even though life is really hard for her right now I have all the faith and trust that she is going to be ok and soon this will all be over. Her husbands health will recover and he will be home in her arms once again.

Darn these trials in life. They are so hard on us, and even though I know that God is preparing me for someone special to leave this earth... I know I too will be ok ... somehow.  I just have to appreciate the now... make every moment count... and count my blessings for I have been blessed with many.

I am so thankful for my friends, for their strength, for their hope and for their courage. They are amazing women to me. I love them dearly and am so blessed to call them friend.  I know its hard right now for them. They are and always will be, in my prayers.... I am always here willing to help in any way they need. I wish I could take this from them and help more than I have, but I know God is there with them, never leaving their side and that this too will pass.  

I just had all this on my mind.... am in awe that three of my closest friends are going through such trials all at the same time... its a helpless feeling not being able to do more for them. I sometimes don't even know what to say to help them through it. But I hope they know I love them and am here, day or night.

Trying to become Christ-like

 I have been making and trying to keep goals recently that I have made for myself. One of them was to become more Christ-like. I planned on doing this by using the scripture about Love... what love is and reminding myself what love isn't.  I have been using this with my children as well, when I have teaching moments. If they do something unkind, I ask them, "Is this love? is this what love looks like? What could you have done that would of been loving like Jesus?" I am excited to say just using LOVE as my teaching moment, has calmed my anger when I am upset with my children's choices. That alone has to have made a huge difference in teaching them. I feel more like a loving parent too.

One thing lately I have done was tried to think of a person being right there with me, able to hear whatever I said about them, WHO EVER THAT PERSON IS THAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.  I imagine would my words hurt them? Would it be considered gossip?
Surprisingly, I found myself stopping myself twice this week so far from saying something about someone I cared about.  I have been so impressed with this goal, I am going to continue with it. It has made profound changes in me. I can see myself starting to THINK before I speak and to actually stop thinking in a way that would not be Christ-like in the first place....
Which is the key, OUR THOUGHTS TURN INTO OUR WORDS AND ACTIONS... and I do not want to be like that towards anyone.

I have thought a lot about the Lord coming soon.... How close we could possibly be to his beautiful entrance into this world. And how unprepared I am. I don't want to be caught off guard or unprepared. I want to be able to stand at his mercy feet and I want to be blessed enough to hear him call my name and reach for me. I want to be able to look into his eyes without shame or guilt and know I am worthy to do so.

I have a lot of work ahead of myself, but it is so exciting to see these small changes I have tried so hard to make.  Each goal and step of effort is bringing me closer to my Savior and the woman I want to say I have become. The example I want to be to my children. 

I just had to share this moment. I was impressed to do so.   Hope everyone is having a grand week!

Getting it together :)

 I have a lot that I want to do.... lists of things that need to be done around my house... lists!  We held a special family counsel last night at dinner. We talked to the kids how we feel like we need help doing things and that they could contribute more. They agreed :) WHEW!!!!!!!
SO we are going to have family counsel every Sunday at dinner.  Discuss what needs to be done that week or what we all can help work on.
This week...its getting Jesse to learn to ride his bike. Because I am out of shape and Todd gets home so late, we have asked the kids to help me. I can run with him while he peddles for only so long and because I am out of shape will need to take turns with someone. They agreed to help me :) SO HAPPY! AND THANKFUL!!!
The other thing we are going to focus on is DRIVING! We have to get Kalene to get her license.. She is working now and if she could just drive herself that would be ONE LESS place I would have to go or do. Plus I could use her help in errands and such. Cally is learning as well but Kalene only has till SEPT. 1st to get hers done because she is already 18. Cally has a years permit.

All this trying to get our family working as one has me thinking about things I want to accomplish. Like... I need to grout my tile in my kitchen SO BAD!!!!! and I need to re due it on my counters as well.... so I need to learn that.

I want to get a spiritual schedule up for me... where I make time to read articles out of the Ensign and write letters and in my journal and ready my scriptures, not just read but study.

I want to have Romance in my marriage. I love my husband but his ideas and mine are very different. I don't read smut books so its up to me fulfil this in my life and so I SHALL! I am going to start doing something creative with my man, that I consider ROMANTIC :) kinda excited to get my creative on!

I need to continue to keep my SPECIAL TIME with my kids going now more than ever because school started and they will need that one on one talking time :)

I want to exercise....

I want to start cleaning better. I want a home that is really clean looking and is  :) So I have to make schedule for myself :)

I am always happier when I have a plan... and goals. SO these are they for now :)

What I need to do....

I need to just count my blessings. I woke with all this anxiety this morning..... all the worries that I can't share with anyone.... all the things that have me upset inside...
I said about a 2 hour long prayer this morning. I AM NOT LIEING! I didn't feel different... I think God got an ear ful for sure.... I ran errands this morning and felt more anxiety..... more upset when I let my mind ponder on the things that are upsetting me at this time.

I have searched today for answers... what to do, how to feel, how to let it all go.... how to move forward... how to trust in certain things, people and God. 

As I am reading all these SO HAPPY GO LUCKY BLOGS out there, I just told myself.... count your blessings..
So I am going to do that right now and try to focus on that.


#1 Blessing,  I am thankful for urologist... they can help my son, even though he may suffer all his life with stones and kidney issues... *which worries me* he will have a doctor to help us through it all.

#2, For the priesthood. I am thankful for the Priesthood and the power that I know blesses us through blessings of healing. I know I need one right now too!

#3 I am thankful for always making all our bills, and having enough for a little extra... I am so thankful for that while I sit and watch and cry with my friends who are so struggling to just find a job and eat. I am thankful I have been blessed with enough to share with my friends struggling and to still be able to help my daughter and her husband.

#4 I am thankful for my calling. It does stretch me and make me go the extra mile.

#5 I am thankful that my Mother is still around. I just can't imagine life without her!

#6 I am thankful my husband has a job

#7 I am thankful .. SO VERY THANKFUL for the vacation our family just took. We so needed it! *UNDERSTATEMENT*

#8 I am thankful for all our health.... especially my husbands and childrens

#9 I am thankful for my pets, they love me and ask for nothing in return!

ITs a start... I am sure the list can go on but for now I will end it there.... I feel a little better. I just have to focus on the positive....

Personal Conflict

Ever feel like you wish you could talk to someone about something your going through but feel that no one would really get you or understand or even care? That you would be judged. You know all the things that usually brings insecurity.

I am going through something.... a real trial for me.  I am usually a person who wears her heart out on her sleeve and says it like it is... what I think and feel, but lately I am finding myself being cautious. I feel like I can't talk like I use to. I don't know if its wisdom or old age or what...but I have this thing I am going through. A really personal thing... no one in my family knows about it. My husband doesn't really know about it. My children for sure don't know about it. I don't feel like I can really share it with anyone too.  It kinda pains me that I feel like there isn't ONE PERSON I can share it with. 
Everyone needs someone to vent to or to share life's ups and downs with.

I have looked at my life and I have seen who are my true friends and who really aren't that I thought were.  The one I probably could share it with, she is going through too much right now to be burdened down by my stuff.

I am hurting inside.... and even though I know the answer is give it to God.. and I know I will because I feel like i have no where else to turn to.... I know it won't be the same or feel same as sharing it with someone, that is tangible.

Just needed a safe place to write that right now... I am hurting inside... and NO ONE knows... no one will see it in my face or hear it from my lips.

Several times I felt like just saying TYPE IT on Face book and see who repsonds.. but really... that isn't the place.... this could be turned into so much more than it is... and it could also be shuffled under the rug which isn't good either because to me... it is something. Whether others would get what I am thinking/ feeling doesn't matter. I am and so I can't deny it.

The question is... how do I deal with it? How would I make it better?  I know some of the answers to that questions but it doesn't mean that it will be easy.  The part that won't be easy is me feeling ok about it. 

Sometimes... I truly do wish that Jesus would just come... sometimes I feel like this life is too much... to hard.. .too painful. Too lonely.   I think of how great it will be when he comes and takes away all the evil in this life.... and chains them. How great it would be to live a life of peace.... happiness ... no temptations, no evil... no bad in the world.  It will be truly a heaven on earth. I think sometimes, I would love that right now.....   Then I wouldn't have to watch my children hurt... or struggle.. I wouldn't have to hurt or struggle... and ALL my family and I would be together again... how I long for that!

Anyhow.... I wrote this because I needed to.  I will be fine. This too shall pass, just until it does... I will have to deal.     So I shall. There was  a saying that I liked on Fb the other day... it said, “The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.” ― C. JoyBell C                    right now.... I need to remember that!

Your down to earth, say it like it is, MOM :)

 I have read a lot of blogs lately trying to feel better about myself and the struggles I go through as a Mom.   There are a lot of amazing blogs out there. Some very organized women and their lives just seem so in order and great.   Which led me to wonder how do they do it????? All of it?

I have been married now for 22 years... I started with 5 kids...*not started but had five* and then we added to our family and adopted three more *virtually starting all over again*  and even today, I am still trying to organize things, figure things out in parenting, still trying to create a home of love and refuge.

One Moms blog *which was an amazing blog* was called a Virtuous Mom. I thought wow... I don't feel worthy of that title.  I think of some very well spoken, well dressed and well educated women when I think of a title like that. Women of FAITH!

Then I laughed at myself... thinking of how I sometimes feel as a Mom, Wife and a Woman. Some of the titles I felt I could have were ....
Barely hanging on Mom, 

 Keeping my head above the water Mom, 

                                   keep moving ...keep moving Mom, 

 I can do this... I think I can MOM,

 Don't look back just look forward Mom,










and Doing it my way the best I can MOM.

These titles seemed more fitting to me.

But I know.... I KNOW... there are other women out there who feel like I do. Even the ones who seem to have it together at some point feel or felt what I have. We are all the same really, just trying to do our best and the thing we need to remember is.....

OUR EFFORTS *no matter how much we feel inadequate or like its not enough*  THEY DO COUNT! The Lord is thankful to us MOTHERS!

I know he is! 

so I found this article,

“Because She Is a Mother” http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/04/because-she-is-a-mother?lang=eng  by Jeffrey R Holland.... it says...."                         

If you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do.


           I know I am not all I want to be yet but that is the beauty of it all.... I am becoming just that... :) and what Heavenly Father wants me to be too! :) I just have to remember that!
       

Why are you doing so much Mom?

 About a month ago I was called to teach Sunday School for the 14/15 year olds.  When they asked me to be a teacher, I truly did NOT see this one coming. I have never wanted to teach Sunday School. There is this lady in our ward... who teaches Sunday School for the adults. She really can teach. She knows her scriptures and I have always been able to walk away with something from her lessons that I had never thought of before.  I use to think... I don't ever want that calling!  Because I am not comfortable in front of others in that way.  I don't know if she is, but she doesn't look nervous if she isn't. I still don't want her calling and have even told my husband I don't think I could ever say yes to that calling. He just laughs at me.

So when I was asked to become a Sunday teacher, you could say inside I was freaking out! I took a long pause before accepting it. I really was struggling within myself to say yes. I have never ever felt comfortable enough with the scriptures to teach, I mean I had done Primary children... they are no sweat.... easy peasy! But older kids.... TEENS... PRE-ADULTS!!!! That freaked me out. 
I even asked several times, to the person asking me to accept this calling, "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME? ARE YOU SURE YOUR ALL THINKING RIGHT? ARE YOU SURE CUZ I AM NOT SO SURE!"  He tried to keep a straight face, I am sure he knew I was truly struggling with this. 

Don't get me wrong.... its not that I don't want to serve the Lord, its just... I don't feel adequate enough to do THIS CALLING. 

So... here I am..... still trying to find my nitch... my comfy spot ... my its not a big deal place.... my I can do this place... GET THE PICTURE? I am still trying to find those happy nitchy spots!
Every week I study the lesson... I start on Sunday ... after church and every night till the next Sunday when I am suppose to give the lesson... I am reading the scriptures... planning and preparing.

As I sat here at my desk... for the 3rd time going over my lesson and preparing, one of my daughters asked me, " MOM WHY ARE YOU DOING SO MUCH?"  my response, " I am suppose to... aren't I?"  She says, " I guess, but none of the other teachers really prepare or even know the material... they just teach as they go."  
So for a moment, I FREAKED... is that what I am suppose to do? NOT REALLY PUT THIS MUCH EFFORT INTO IT? NOT KNOW IT LIKE I HAVE TRIED TO KNOW IT SO I DON'T MISLEAD OR MIS GUIDE? REALLY?  *true thoughts and freaking moment *
Then my daughter says, " Mom, your a really good teacher."

Can you imagine my JOY? my daughter who is in my class... said that to me?  I just haven't felt that I am a good teacher yet. I haven't felt like my lessons are interesting or even fun. I haven't felt like I have left any important impressions or meaningful thoughts to the kids like the LORD would want me to do.... and even though my daughter is a little biased, it felt so good to hear what she said.  COMFORTING really!

I don't expect the kids to tell me that they liked the lesson or that they enjoy coming to my class. I figure the ones who choose to be there are pretty much there because I bring incentives to participate. But I have really been struggling with feeling like they called the right person to this calling since I got it. I almost am in tears on Sundays after each lesson to my husband saying, "I REALLY THINK THEY CALLED THE WRONG PERSON!" 

I know that I have never studied the scriptures in the way I am for these lessons. That is probably why I was called. God is trying to teach me how to study or something. So here I am... preparing again for another week. This week I feel like I have made it a little more interesting than any other so far... Like the kids would come in and if I didn't bring any goodies might want to stay of their own free will and actually enjoy the class. Who knows, I might be a little off my rocker! LOL ... anyhow.... these are the thoughts that I needed or wanted to share.... :)


one last thing .... I have found that I am more interested in what my children are learning at church. I have asked before, " WHAT DID YOU LEARN TODAY AT CHURCH?" but I don't think I have ever gotten so involved to discuss it with the older children in such great depth. And the best part is... if their teacher wasn't able to finish the lesson, I AM ABLE TO! :) That is something I have never been able to do and can see great blessings from.  I never thought that being a teacher would help me become a better parent. :)

I'm Trying to be like Jesus.....

Every morning, my daily life starts at 5:30 am..... first with my husband, who wakes up and usually needs to talk & cuddle. You know, starting His day off to a great start which I usually am unable to go back to sleep until he leaves at 6 :30.... then I have two options.... I can lay in bed for my moment of peace and quiet or I can get up and come down stairs until the children wake up one by one at 7 if not sooner. The thing is.... as soon as I come down stairs, my immediate responsibilities are the animals... *as if I lived on a farm* The dogs need to go out.... the birds hear me and start to sing, the parrot wants out of his cage to be loved on. So I usually stay in bed until I absolutely have to get out of it. *please don't get me wrong, I love my family and my life, but I have realized that taking care of everyone, healing them, caring for them, having the constant of people in need of me and animals has led me to believe that something has to change in order for me to make changes in my life that I want to see come about, that I feel need to come about*

I had the great blessing of getting away for a quick trip to see my oldest daughter this weekend. I was so excited to be able to sleep in.... I had the opportunity for sure...but NO... my body is on a self alarm thing I guess, because at 5:30 I was awake...then I fell back to sleep till 7 and then it was pointless to lay there. All I wanted was to be able to sleep in, just once and my own body said, " NOPE!"

I have found lately that I want some changes for myself. Spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally! I want to change for the better. I want to be more Christ-like. Have more of his personality instilled within my very soul. On my trip, while driving, many impressions came to me on how I could go about this.

First, I must find that quiet place... that peace every day even if it means I must wake up at 4:30 to do it! I really think that it’s important. Second, I need to make personal goals for myself that are realistic and attainable and third, I need to just be as thankful as possible for every little blessing that comes my way... change my attitude and perspective. I need to be content and I want to recognize every little blessings as little miracles in my life. Really devote my life to my Heavenly Father. Who wants me to devote my life to my family as well :)

So here I am thinking of what Christ-like values I really want to become. I love the above picture. It reminds me that Jesus is always here for me, waiting ever so patiently for me to just open the door and let him to take over. Sometimes, I forget that big picture.

So let’s start with my goals.... yes, I am sharing them here with EVERYONE in the world because my children need to see that I too need to do this in my life to become a better person.

Physical goals

1. I just want to become more active. If I loose weight and get tone then that is a blessing. I don't want the stress of loosing weight. I just want to change my lifestyle and become more physical in my daily life.

How I plan on doing that:

1. To make this change I need to dedicate going to the ymca *which I am paying for so I might as well do it* and work out daily and swim. *I LOVE TO SWIM*

2. I am going to encourage family bike rides and family walks through out the evenings of the week with the family :)

Emotional

1. I feel that everyone needs a venting place or a safe place to release their thoughts and emotions.

How I plan on doing this

1. I have friends that I trust, my husband and my Mother to do this with. I am also going to keep a journal of my emotions and learn to give it to God by going to him as well in prayer. Just pouring out my emotions to him and letting his will take over.

Spiritually

1. I want to be closer to my Heavenly Father.

How I plan on doing this

1. I will pray even more to him and try to wait and listen. I will read my scriptures even more... really plan ahead daily what time I will read and just do it... studying everything that I read....

2. I want to be a better servant to the Lord

How I plan on doing this...

1. I want to do a daily random act of kindness. I want to really think about what I will do and then do at least one act of kindness every day. I would love to get my children involved in this :)

3. I want to be a better Mother and I put this under spiritually because I don't think the Lord can dwell with me when I yell or loose my temper

How I plan on doing this....

1. I have considered not talking for a day and if I do only doing it in whispered tones... I know that sounds crazy but I have done this before and my children really had to pay attention to what I was doing or saying and it made an amazing difference in how we felt by the end of the day. I am really considering a trial in this again

2. I need to continue in family prayer and scripture study with our family... let nothing STOP that!

3. I need to maybe put church music on when there is a lot of conflict in the house and keep the kids busy so that they are not bored.

4. I think I need to do a fhe on this where everyone is on board... and get them involved on how to keep the spirit in our house better

Spiritually #4

I want to think kinder thoughts... loving thoughts, give others the benefit of doubt, not be so judgmental and have more compassion towards others, especially my husband and children because at times I get quick with them out of exhaustion or frustration on not knowing how to FIX whatever it is that is happening..

Mentally

1. I think I need a mental break like everyone else.

What I plan on doing

1. I think I am going to become interested in ME! I am going to have hobbies, and broaden my own horizons. My life up to this point has been all about my family... doing for them... and I think having time for myself and my own interests are just as important.

2. I also think I need to be stricter with my kids... set up things like chores first in the morning and then go on with our day. Maybe then it would be less stressful.

3. I need to get more organized with every day... just write it all out the night before what is on my agenda and then I know... maybe then I can sleep instead of listing them over and over in my head the night before ... *that keeps me awake*

Mentally #2 I need to stop being my worst enemy!

How I plan on doing this

1. Every time I say something that is negative to myself I need to replace it with a positive! I know many people do this but I HAVE TO STOP IT!!!!!!

I know I have been given so much. I think about so many others lives and all that they struggle with and I am just over whelmed with gratitude that my trials and lot isn't theirs. I have been greatly blessed. With health, family and home. My husband has a great job, we have insurance... we have stability. My children are happy and amazing people. I have animals. I LOVE ANIMALS!

I want to start looking at life as my cup is half FULL not empty... and in reality my CUP RUNNITH OVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be that person that really desires nothing in the world because she has everything. I want to be that person that only finds the good in a person... I want to be that mother that never raises her voice and has lots of patience... I have a list that goes on and on.... these are all great things to work towards and  SO .... IT STARTS NOW! :)

Have a great day! If you have read this, thank you for being my friend and loving me with all my faults and for who I have been. I am so thankful for the people God has put into my life!

Life as I know it....

  I am sitting here thinking about this month... the many great things that have come about.... how blessed I feel... and just counting all my blessings.

This last Saturday the 23rd of June, it was Todd's and mine 22nd wedding anniversary. I will say I had no high hopes or expectations on the day. But, that morning started out with a phone call from my oldest Virginia.... and her hubby Ryan.

She said, "Mom,  *paused* I am pregnant." I said...." WHAT? NO! HAHAHAHA.... your kidding right?" She said, "NO I REALY AM!" My response was basically SCREAMING and alot of movement that looked really funny as I was driving down the street.  I think I may have even shakened my husband and screamed at him... "VIRGINIA IS PREGNANT WE ARE GOING TO BE GRANDPARENTS!" 

That was a blessing... to hear such amazing news on my wedding anniversary. THE COOLEST THING EVER!!

Then the day proceeded with us shopping and getting the kids ready for our departure for the evening. ME TELLING COMPLETE STRANGERS WITH GREAT ENTHUSIAM THAT I WAS GOING TO BE A GRANDMA! :) LOL

Then Todd and I left about 3 to go to Horse Shoe Bend, where he had gotten us first class tickets on Thunder Mountain Train.  We had no clue what to expect :)

We boarded the train...it was adorable... we had our own booth table.  Through out the ride, we had the pleasure of watching a live theatrical WILD WEST SHOW!~ It was hilarious and a lot of fun! 

We met the neatest people on the train. A couple who were lds, that could not have children and had been married for 11 years.... and another very christian couple who had thier own dairy in Meridian.  The view was spectacular. You could see river rafters on the river.... ONE EVEN TOOK OFF HER SHIRT TO SAY HELLO! That was shocking!  But you really couldn't see much... kinda felt bad for the poor dear... she really had nothing to share! LOL

We were served a very delicious dinner as well. After the train ride we went to our favorite ice cream store there in Horse Shoe Bend. It has the most unique looking Ice cream. See the color on the swirl part well the color matches the flavor and you can have up to three flavors. For some reason that just fascinates me... LOL I KNOW I AM NUT!!!!!! YOU CAN LAUGH!

Came home to find our family doing just great... kids in bed... the next morning our kids woke us up to breakfast in bed.... so blessed! :) They didn't do it on our anniversary...so they made up for it. They know how important us celebrating the day we became "US" is and that means so much to me!

We had a great weekend. We went to see Brave, the park for lunch...then the FISH PARK in Boise... we love that place... then hit Krispy Kreme for donuts and were actually there when they made them so we sat and watched that for a while. When we came home... the kids all started pitching in to clean up the house and I didn't even have to ask. SO NICE!!!!!  We just enjoyed each others company. I really needed a great day like that too! NO stress, no worries, just us as a big family, smiling and enjoying each other.

I just loved every minute of it.  My children and husband mean so much to me. Family is everything! MY  LITTLE FAMILY! :) Which is growing by leaps and bounds :)

The week before at Church, my Daughter and her husband were with us for sacrament and the bench was full... One person made the comment as to say...." How many M's can

one bench hold" I love it and what they didn't know.... is that they didn't know one was hiding :) IN  VIRGINIA's BELLY :)

12 years ago on June 14th 2000, my first son was born.... :)       Oh how we were so thrilled. We had waited so many years for a son.

As he has grown and made great choices like getting baptised and complete his faith in God...

 I sit here and am in awe over the thought that there will be another priesthood holder in my family. :) What a blessing! As I sat and pondered this, I got really emotional. I am listening to all the people that he is asking to be apart of this special moment and blessing, and my heart ached for a moment... MY FATHER WON'T BE THERE! HE CAN'T ASK MY FATHER!  What a time in our life, a very special and important moment... and my Father won't be there. How my heart ached for a moment... I called my Mom and cried... I know that he will be there in spirit..but how I wish, OH HOW I WISH that he could be here physically. How I  wish I could hear his sweet voice and watch his face as he sees his grandson receive the priesthood.  How proud I know he would be and I am sure is in heaven.

I am so thankful that my son is a worthy young man...with great goals that he has set for himself. He has been such a fun baby, toddler and child.... and now he will be a great young man to enjoy. :) I am excited for his future... I already miss his younger years but so enjoying the here and the now!

I am excited for Sunday, and I know I will be really emotional.  I am so proud of him. I am so thankful to the Lord for him. I am so blessed to have such an amazing son.

Where much is given....much is required.....

        Today.... I feel short handed.  I feel emotionally drained.... and at the same time.... I feel inspired and directed.  Weird I know!  I have all these children. They really do require so much of my time and energy. For me to sit and have a moment to think lately has been impossible. The only way I am able to type right now, is the littlest are napping and my sons are jumping...the big girls are doing something. So for a few minutes I want write down my thoughts... release some feelings and just record it all.
        Having so many different personalities.... each child having different needs and requirements... each child needing disciplining in a different way as well has been a challenge for me.  So much so that I have moments where I feel like I am failing... but as I was discussing with one of my children about true failure, *a teaching moment where I had to listen to my own counsel*  I realized, I haven't given up yet. I haven't stopped trying or giving it my all. So I am not failing them... I just might not always be enough or I might need help.
      I have been relying a lot on my Heavenly Father lately for that help. To be my venting place, to my comforter and to be my guider.  Man today... I came up with two brilliant ideas on how to help bring even more peace and harmony into our home. How to help build relationships and how to add respect to that list. I am hoping at my next family home evening, I can do it.  I haven't quit figured it all out but I have a plan in the process. The fact that while I was sitting and feeling totally lost on what to do or say next... the idea came to me ;) is such a blessing. Just another moment where I see the Lord is still with me and helping me as always. I am really thankful for that! With all that I am thankful!
     
     

  

Butterflies, Unicorns and fairies....

Butterflies.....

Fairies.....

& Unicorns.....  OH MY!

Yes this is a silly start to my post.:) But this is me! I try to keep things light and fluffy in life. I try to cheer up my friends and family with silly things and images that only brings smiles. My life has had plenty of serious moments and hardships, but who wants to be stuck there emotionally? Not me :)

            Today at church I was reminded so spiritually that not everything is butterflies, unicorns, and fairies in life and that IS ok. A new sister got up and shared her testimony about her life struggles. One she deals with is having very painful headaches, so painful that she would rather give birth naturally than to suffer this pain. But she called this pain a reminder of her blessings. She stood and shared many personal things that touched me, but when she talked about her trials  and of the pain she goes through, that it humbles her and she feels it has brought her closer to God, that brought tears to my eyes. I was so impressed with her testimony. How she has this life long trial that will never go away and her attitude of gratitude was powerful. I am thankful for her great example of how to be thankful, positive, so full of Gods countenance, and humble. I am sure its not been easy for her but I am thankful for her spiritual strength. She makes me be even more thankful for my own life's blessings. Another thing she shared, that I want to remember... was, " your either fasting or your starving. You are either doing the motions of a fast or you are fully invested and your scriptures are your meat and potatoes. They fill you and feed you." I loved that! I know that really has nothing to do with the topic of a fluffy life but I don't want to forget that one.
     
        Back to my original thought.... butterflies, unicorns and fairies.... it would be so nice to have the easy life.... "or so we think" where everyone was happy and life is sweet in every way imaginable. But I know that this life is not meant to be full of happiness all the time. If we do not know the bitter we will never appreciate the sweet. If we do not know how far we can be pushed or tested we will never realize our strength. If we do not know the horrible hatred things of the world, then we would not fully appreciate the love and peace that we do have. This life is for experience, growth and learning. The life after this is our reward if we but endure this life well. I feel that this one sister who shared her testimony is enduring well. I am so thankful for her and her strength. Especially her example and her testimony. When life gets hard..... find your unicorns, butterflies and fairies... count your blessings and know that this too shall pass. That what we are given is to better us, for our own good, even if it doesn't make sense to us. That God really does have the upper hand and has you and I in mind at all times. We are never alone. He is with us an his loving angels too. I testify to that. In the name of Jesus Christ, my Savior ... Amen.

The spirit world....

I have often thought of all those I have loved and lost in this world.  What it must be like for them... where they are, what they are doing... what they see. When I was at my daughters high school graduation, I felt so many of my relatives that are on the other side with me. I imagined all the people screaming and shouting for the child graduating... to be all the people who have gone before us.... cheering for us, or welcoming us through the veil.  Not even through the veil... but in life. Praying with us and for us. Being there next to us when we feel so alone.  Cheering us on and participating in our JOYOUS moments. 

I saw many families gathered together at the graduation, in groups. Sitting together prepared to shout and cheer on that one person they came to support.  I felt very over whelmed thinking about all the many UNSEEN people that were there, with those families... ready and able to do the same. My heart felt warm and my spirit felt light and I was thankful for I knew we too were not alone.

My Father died of lung cancer... he promised to always be there for every important event in my children's lives. HE has kept that promise. I have felt him so strongly at the most unexpected moments. That sweet moment of knowing... TRULY KNOWING he was there... he witnessed it... he loved me... he kept his promise.... we are still just as important to him there as we were when he was here. He continues to be with us from time to time and I know he will be around till the day we can be reunited again.

I have always taught my children since they were young that angels are among us and always with us .That some are even family that have gone before.  When my mother came to visit. We talked about many wonderful family stories that were pasted down from generation to generation of just that.  One is of one of my distant relatives who was a nurse and brought babies into the world. Mid wife was her real status. She delivered a thousand and she would go by horse drawn sleigh, in a wagon or on a back of a horse. Some were as close as a farm away and some were over the mountains. One night she was riding over the mountain and a lightning storm came and scared her horse. She swore that she was going to go off the mountain and die... but she looked and saw a MAN grabbing the horse reins and he led the horse back to a safe path.  The thing is... there was NO MAN. We believe it was an angel. She did make it to deliver the child on the other side of the mountain too. 

I know of many sacred experiences I have had that has shown me I am never alone. I feel so sad when I hear or read that someone feels ALONE. Yes this world can be hard at times and lonely even. But I know with all that I am that we are NEVER ALONE. That our Heavenly Father loves us and that we have many angels with us, we just can't always see them or feel them. Just like we can't see air that we breathe, it is there.... so are angels!

When I worry about my Mother leaving me in this life and going on to the next, I get emotional and sad. But I really try to focus on the reunion she will have. The many people who have gone before her and are waiting to embrace her. I can only imagine the beauty of it all. The pain of loosing her children disappearing for forever and holding them in her arms again. Seeing her parents, my father.... and so so many.  I liken that to the day we are with Christ. What joy shall fill my heart! How wonderful it will be to have the veil lifted and all that was forgotten to be remembered.  What a blessing that will be. How great our joy will be and to be able to look around and see each other in a different light than with earthly eyes.  I look forward to that day...so very much for myself.  

I am thankful for knowing of the truth that we are not alone. For knowing and having the gift to see through the veil and for knowing that we are so loved. 

quick catch up.....

                                                                                                    

Kalene graduated from High school... in the top 10 :) So proud of her. She lettered in band too!
My mom has been here visiting for the last 10 days and we have just laughed so much every day and have had fun! I just love having her here. I am going to miss her. She leaves tomorrow.
Virginia comes in tonight to do a quick visit with my mom and us....
 I want to take a family picture with my Mom while she is here but I just haven't found the time yet. I need to so bad! 
My mom has had more fun telling my kids stories from our family. Like....  her great great great grandpa who was a pioneer... settled down in Utah and the crickets came.... They ate all the wheat and destroyed every field that layed in their path. My Great x3 Grandpa had great faith.... went out to his field when they came and told the crickets... HE PAID AN HONEST TITHE, THAT THEY COULD EAT EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE WHEAT HEADS!... The next day came and he went out and said, YOU ARE DONE... LEAVE and THEY DID! LEAVING THE WHEAT HEADS ONLY! :) HE SHARED THE PROFITS WITH ALL THE OTHER NEAR BY FARMERS  :)

We talked about GOGGI, my grandmother who used to peel a zillion apples and we would all sit around and take turns eating each slice she cut.... while talking .... Yesterday Mom , Kalene and I made dehydrated apples and my apple peeler broke so we sat and did it the old fashion way... thinking and talking about GOGGI :) Sure miss my Grandma!

We talked about my sister.... her death... I think I finally have an understanding exactly what happened when she died.... it was hard to talk about it... My mother and I cried like it was yesterday together.... My mother knew exactly when my sisters spirit left her body... the sacred details of that moment she shared with me... is just amazing.... the things my poor sister endured.... the pain my parents suffered... it was a tragedy... but now I know the full story.. the details I have always worried to ask about because I didn't want to hurt my parents.

we have laughed... played card games.... watched movies... gone shopping, baked and made yummy stuff together.... planned future events, discussed and remembered past events... I have loved every moment that we have shared.... and will share till she leaves our car tomorrow to get on a the plane.

I believe she has found her true match and soul mate in my Step Father WAYNE :) I am so thankful he came into her life. She has gone places and done so many wonderful things because of him. She has really lived since he came into her life. Done things I would of never thought she would try. :)
My mother still is one of the most amazing people I know and I love her like a best friend!