Wrap my head around it all.....

So I have this goal * challenge* ahead of me. To become healthier. To give up all that does not belong in my body that isn't good for it. To exercise daily. To not give up and to become a better me.  As I have been processing all of this.... my efforts and failures, I have always seen myself find ways to give up... or to stop myself from achieving this ONE VERY IMPORTANT GOAL!  When I think about it, there has always been some great excuse for me to NOT START or to stop for a bit.... from holidays, to family/friend get togethers....  the question I am contemplating today isn't what is my excuse right now? because I have several that would make anyone say OH THAT IS A GOOD REASON..... my question is... WHY DO I ALLOW THESE EXCUSES TO STOP ME?  
 the answers I have come up with are...
                1. its easier to do.
                 2. less to do or plan/brainless
                  3. its familiar
                    4. its always an option

So then I need to look at each one of those excuses and say... WHAT?????????  The funny thing is... I have always thought of myself as a LOVE THE CHALLENGE GIRL! Where did she go? What happened to her? In the past I felt alive when I got a challenge to hit head on and I felt alive when I ACCOMPLISHED ONE! When did the lazy, tired woman who gave up so easily come into play?  And why haven't I kicked her butt to the curb?  I guess I feel ANGRY!  With myself.... how could I let myself  DOWN like this?  Why do I resort back to 1,2,3, or 4 as my excuses? When am I going to get it and say ENOUGH????
     
I am hoping that its today. That this emotional turmoil I cause myself is just a hiccup in the road and I can wrap my head around it all and see before me CLEARLY again.   I can be the best cheer leader for everyone else... but not myself?  I can be the motivator for everyone else but me?  that is just messed up!

So here is my counter answers to the numbers above.  ITS NOT EASIER, maybe for that moment, but then I have to deal with the after math of my body going bonkers cause I just did something it was trying to avoid...   Less to do? really? So if I don't eat healthy I don't have to plan my family meals? WRONG! I am still planning so I might as well plan healthy!   Its familiar...... well, yes it is... however I have found it exciting making and trying new meals... I have found comfort in feeling like BETTY CROCKER doing it healthy style... like I have accomplished something... so why not make the new stuff familiar?  better yet... Why not make it HABIT and NATURAL! :)  and the 4th was its always an option..... WHY IS THAT ALWAYS AN OPTION? I need to find other options.  I have a group of other ladies who are going through this too.. I need to rely on them or my husband or a friend. If none of them are available.... why can't I just get  my sorry butt off the chair and get away?  what is stopping me? 

I am not waiting till tomorrow to start this. I am starting this now....  I use to say "oh well theres always tomorrow to start fresh..." No, that isn't working.... years of TOMORROWS led me to where I am now... it has to start right now with the next thing I put into my mouth!  I did mess up this morning. I had an emotional break down and I messed up... but that shouldn't be an end all of all! It was a bump.... a minor pot hole in the road that I didn't avoid and now...I am avoiding the rest!   



I know I must sound so psychotic... but... I have to be real with me. I have to heal me from the inside out and to heal me, to fix all of this... I have to be honest with myself and look at the bigger picture.   I don't want to obsess over my next meal or think about food.... I want obsess about life...living. Being in the moment now with whom ever I am with.  I don't want to look at myself in the mirror like this... without seeing changes in my body. I don't want to walk back wards, only FORWARDS!  I failed this morning... HOORAY because now I can learn from it... go through it and move FORWARD!  God gave me emotions to feel. I need to learn to express them and that it is OK TO CRY instead of shoving food down my throat. ITS OK to be upset.... as long as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He did not make me to not feel anything... So, on with the journey... I had a great cry.. I feel better and now... I am getting on with my day!