The good old days

  I have thought alot about my ancestors... how they did their day to day things that they had to do in order survive. In order to eat daily. I am starting to think I need to prepare for that day to come again. Do I sound like a nut? Well I believe that things are going to get harder not easier in the near future. I believe that some of us won't be able to afford gas, or heat... forget air conditioning. I believe we will be living under very different circumstances.  I believe our government is going to fall so badly that we will all be left to survive, just like our ancestors did once.
  So I have decided to try to make everything from scratch, better organize my time with my chores, children and exercise. I am thinking everything from scratch has to taste better, will be healthier for us. I want to make mistakes now not when its really important and I need to know how then. I want to see if I can incorporate my children into helping. 
Anyhow.... I have been sick... I have a sore throat that I am praying won't turn into strep. I haven't had much energy to physically do anything but I do have a lot of time to think and these were the thoughts that ran thru my head... along with a huge list of supplies I want to start collecting for such events.  Candles, oil for lamps, food, water, batteries, flash lights, animal food. You name it. We started our food storage a while back, I would say I have maybe 5 to 6 months worth of food for our family of 11. That is a lot of food, but I want to continue my progress till I feel confident I have a years worth :)   
   Food storage, water storage and ways to cook without power has been on my mind strong.  I have even thought about adding diapers and wipes to my pile because I have a grand baby coming.  I want to always have everything my family *children* need even after they are married. We will survive way better in hard times if we all come together and work together :) Its my hope my home is every one's safe haven :)
    I know that my ancestors were physically stronger than I am. Its my goal to become stronger, to work even harder every day so that I FALL into my bed at night. I am not trying to focus on weight...just getting healthy :)

Mind over Matter

I woke up this morning and found myself comforted by this  song......
Where Can I Turn for Peace...       Which is appropriate right now for me.  I have some things going on in my life that I am not going to share at this moment, because I am still trying to figure them all out.  

Satan sure knows me.... he knows how to play my thoughts... I have heard that we are our own worst enemy. Meaning, I am my worst enemy and you are yours. We say things to ourselves, that hopefully no one has ever said to our face or thought about us.    I have found my thoughts running rampid since I have so much on my mind lately... some of them are really not good for me. 

That is when I found myself praying, or talking to God.  And this song came into my head.... the words brought me comfort.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace? When other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where. when my aching grows, Where, when I languish, Where, in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He, only ONE.
He answers privately, Reaches my reaching, In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

I love music. It always lifts me and touches me. I wish I had the gift to write such a beautiful song. I am so thankful that someone did!

We taught our children last night at family home evening, through a story in the Friend Magazine, that if you hear someone saying bad words, sing a song in your head from church. I think its great that I found that same thought pattern when I found myself talking negatively to myself.  It started out as me venting to the Lord, telling him all my worries and upsets.... which then turned into self inflicting thoughts of turmoil.... then the words of this song, swooped in my mind and it all went away.  I felt peace... I felt comfort, I felt loved and well again.



Mind over matter is a lot of it I guess. With any situation we all have a certain amount we can contribute and control.  I took that control and gave it all to the Lord.  I think I might have to try singing lyrics of church hymns more often. I might find my thoughts and spirits are lifted more :)

Wrap my head around it all.....

So I have this goal * challenge* ahead of me. To become healthier. To give up all that does not belong in my body that isn't good for it. To exercise daily. To not give up and to become a better me.  As I have been processing all of this.... my efforts and failures, I have always seen myself find ways to give up... or to stop myself from achieving this ONE VERY IMPORTANT GOAL!  When I think about it, there has always been some great excuse for me to NOT START or to stop for a bit.... from holidays, to family/friend get togethers....  the question I am contemplating today isn't what is my excuse right now? because I have several that would make anyone say OH THAT IS A GOOD REASON..... my question is... WHY DO I ALLOW THESE EXCUSES TO STOP ME?  
 the answers I have come up with are...
                1. its easier to do.
                 2. less to do or plan/brainless
                  3. its familiar
                    4. its always an option

So then I need to look at each one of those excuses and say... WHAT?????????  The funny thing is... I have always thought of myself as a LOVE THE CHALLENGE GIRL! Where did she go? What happened to her? In the past I felt alive when I got a challenge to hit head on and I felt alive when I ACCOMPLISHED ONE! When did the lazy, tired woman who gave up so easily come into play?  And why haven't I kicked her butt to the curb?  I guess I feel ANGRY!  With myself.... how could I let myself  DOWN like this?  Why do I resort back to 1,2,3, or 4 as my excuses? When am I going to get it and say ENOUGH????
     
I am hoping that its today. That this emotional turmoil I cause myself is just a hiccup in the road and I can wrap my head around it all and see before me CLEARLY again.   I can be the best cheer leader for everyone else... but not myself?  I can be the motivator for everyone else but me?  that is just messed up!

So here is my counter answers to the numbers above.  ITS NOT EASIER, maybe for that moment, but then I have to deal with the after math of my body going bonkers cause I just did something it was trying to avoid...   Less to do? really? So if I don't eat healthy I don't have to plan my family meals? WRONG! I am still planning so I might as well plan healthy!   Its familiar...... well, yes it is... however I have found it exciting making and trying new meals... I have found comfort in feeling like BETTY CROCKER doing it healthy style... like I have accomplished something... so why not make the new stuff familiar?  better yet... Why not make it HABIT and NATURAL! :)  and the 4th was its always an option..... WHY IS THAT ALWAYS AN OPTION? I need to find other options.  I have a group of other ladies who are going through this too.. I need to rely on them or my husband or a friend. If none of them are available.... why can't I just get  my sorry butt off the chair and get away?  what is stopping me? 

I am not waiting till tomorrow to start this. I am starting this now....  I use to say "oh well theres always tomorrow to start fresh..." No, that isn't working.... years of TOMORROWS led me to where I am now... it has to start right now with the next thing I put into my mouth!  I did mess up this morning. I had an emotional break down and I messed up... but that shouldn't be an end all of all! It was a bump.... a minor pot hole in the road that I didn't avoid and now...I am avoiding the rest!   



I know I must sound so psychotic... but... I have to be real with me. I have to heal me from the inside out and to heal me, to fix all of this... I have to be honest with myself and look at the bigger picture.   I don't want to obsess over my next meal or think about food.... I want obsess about life...living. Being in the moment now with whom ever I am with.  I don't want to look at myself in the mirror like this... without seeing changes in my body. I don't want to walk back wards, only FORWARDS!  I failed this morning... HOORAY because now I can learn from it... go through it and move FORWARD!  God gave me emotions to feel. I need to learn to express them and that it is OK TO CRY instead of shoving food down my throat. ITS OK to be upset.... as long as I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. He did not make me to not feel anything... So, on with the journey... I had a great cry.. I feel better and now... I am getting on with my day!  










 

a new journey....

        So one of my closest friends of  18 years literally just left Idaho.  I feel a little lost at the moment, highly emotional and sad. I know that she is being driven to where she is going next, literally driven if not pushed! I know she really has exhausted all possibilities to stay as long as she could.  I don't do CHANGE well or easily. I really struggle. 
         So I want to run and go eat something or drink something that I usually find great comfort in whenever life isn't going my way... or I am hurting.  BUT..... I can't. 
          I have the desire to get healthy.  A deep desire. I am thinking and hoping its a stronger desire that it can over come this temptation to do the other bad habit.   I have started my own little new journey just recently. It has taken me longer than most to get where I am today. Some people, they can do this new lifestyle eating and exercises with ease.  They make a plan and just do it. For me, it has taken a couple weeks to get the hang of the food, then I added exercise. I am still not doing what I need to exactly but I am getting there. I am excited to say that I have pushed myself. Todd and I have been going to the y to swim laps for 30 minutes. I have never had swimming lessons in my life. I am probably the funniest person to watch swim, but I haven't let that stop me. In fact the life guards are so sympathetic *or worried* that they have taken time to help give me pointers. I am now able to swim a lap while putting my face in the water and coming up for air on the side like real swimmers, how ever, sometimes I still gasp and have to keep my head up a little longer to catch my breath but I keep going and then I put it back in the water when I am ready. Sometimes I even inhale water... that isn't fun either. The point is I am doing something I never thought I could do... and it hasn't been easy. I am embarrassed to get in and try every time I do. I feel the eyes watching me, I feel like people are snickering. But I don't want that to stop me. My husband said he was really impressed because I am almost passing him up and when he needs to stop I am still going. :)
Its been good for us to do together. Working out has bonded us more... we have a goal to shoot for together :) So nice to not do it alone.
              I am struggling with the new foods... not that they are bad but I am not as full as long or sometimes its satisfied. Sometimes I just want sugar or something sweet or something not so good for me. So here I am.... tears going down my face because one of my best friends just left and I know she isn't coming back. I know it. I almost feel like singing TILL WE MEET AGAIN. We are both NOT in any position to go back and forth and see each other as much as we like to dream we can. It may be years before I see her again. That is so sad to me. No one has gotten me the way she has.... and I can do and say things to her that I can't anyone else. She gets me.  I am thankful for Internet, texting and phones but it won't be the same....
           So I started to write because that little devil showed up on my left shoulder... saying, "GO GET..... yada yada" *basically right now a frozen hot chocolate is what I was thinking about... and I have the good angel on my right saying... NO DON'T ! You have worked too hard to do this... it won't change anything... it won't keep your friend here or make the pain any easier!!!  
            I have always told my children GOOD always wins over EVIL... so that has to be out come here.  I am going to go work out instead... drink some water and hope that the temptation goes away. I might have a good cry too but  at the end of that cry and work out I think I will feel better. 
On with the journey.... here we go.... bye Tam!

God does prepare us... he is there... :)

 I have been watching three of my closest friend go through three very difficult times and circumstances.  One has lost everything, literally, her home and work.  One has lost trust and faith her spouse, and one has lost the ability to have a normal life at this moment while her husband is in the hospital, he has been for weeks and weeks to come.

I have been thinking about life myself... how my life is...where it is at, from my marriage to my children, the stage in life I am in and my Mom.  I have thought a lot about trials lately... trying to be that good friend to my friends.... wondering why they have to hurt. Crying with them, praying for them and rejoicing in their ability to continue to move forward and to do so with great hope!

I have felt a lot of anxiety lately.  I know that I am being prepared for a farewell in my life. To someone I treasure and love deeply. I know that God is preparing me for this event because all my life I have been afraid of it. I have been sickened by it, by the mere thought of it happening. I have felt the depths of despair  over it.... begging God to please just give me more time. But through all of this, I have been brought to the things I know and believe in. The things I trust. Which is... that everything happens for a reason.  That everyone must die.  I don't want this to happen, NO ONE EVER DOES.  But I have been through it before and those times were heart breaking. My brother, my sister, my father, my friends, my grandparents and my mother in law.  Death is NOT THE END! I know this... I know that these loved ones are angels and they are near me. I know this. I know they have work to do on the other side, but I know they check on me. They are here when I whisper their name or think of them out of the blue.  I am thankful for that knowledge. To know that they go on... out of pain, only with joy and love surrounding them.  I am thankful to know they are not just dead in the ground dead.  I am thankful that life has more purpose than that! That we have more to look forward to and that there is no real end, only progression!

I watch my friends, hurting and searching for answers for themselves. Becoming closer to God as they go through all that they do and learning from these very difficult trials, and I want to help them. I want to take their pain away. I want to make life easy and good for them. But I also know that this will make them... something stronger, more and even better. That this will stretch them to the point of breaking and they will not break! That they will find that strength with in themselves and continue to press forward and do all that they must and can!  I know that God has prepared each one for it to. I know right now they can't see it, but I can.  My friend who has lost her home and is jobless right now, she knows how to juggle things under the worst possible situations ... she is amazing at finding resources and making it, even with what seems to be nothing. I have learned so much from her.  Even in her darkest moments.... she still stood.... maybe feeling battered and beaten but she stood and she kept going and she found hope and strength to do it all. She is so strong. I know she hates where she is at right now in her life.. she so desperately wants her life to be different. But I know she will make it what she wants and things are going to end up better in the end for her. I just know it! She is a hard worker, a great Mother and Wife. She can feel like the world has dumped on her but she still listens to everyone else who needs to vent and she is still able to lift them, direct them and love them.  She has such Christ like attributes, she doesn't even know!  I have been blessed to call her friend!

I have watched my other friend who is struggling with something that has shaken her faith and trust in her husband be prepared for this. She got really sick and had horrible symptoms for like 6 months from this illness... which made her feel miserable. This illness took a serious toll on her emotionally and every other way. But through that she got closer to God, she kept going on... she didn't let it stop her and she became even stronger than she thought and now when her world feels like its falling apart, when Satan himself is trying to destroy a family.... she is pulling through. She is turning to the one who has never left her side and helped her through everything. She hurts, but she knows in her heart what is the most important. She won't allow Satan to take her down. She is trusting in God and forgiving and will learn to trust again. She is keeping her most valued and sacred thing together... her family! I am so proud of her. Her decisions and her strength.  For she is a light to many on how to turn to God and give it to him.  She has fought many battles in her life and each time she has come out on top... and has won. I know she will do the same here!

My last friend, she is just as amazing as the other two women I have mentioned. She has such a loving heart. She has served so many people and has a special gift to work with handicapped people. Not many people have this gift of patience, love and service.  Her life has not been easy by far, but she always has found the sunny side. The "it's going to be alright" side. Even when her first marriage fell apart, she was still the friend I knew and loved. She was not angry, just sad... she still wanted to fight for what she felt was important and good. But God had a better plan for her. Then she met her current husband.  She became even more. She did things with her new husband she didn't even realize she could do. He opened a whole new world up to her. Her life became happy again, full of love and like she deserved! But now her spouse is suffering some health issues... she is separated from him... which is hard on any marriage. She is being the single parent, working, taking care of everything and running back and forth to a hospital hoping her love will recover soon and come home. Her life is upside down with some other details that have recently happened from her ex, that has just added to heart break and stress.  But here she is.... still standing, ever so strong... doing what she has to... day to day... and still SMILING! She might be smiling but it doesn't mean that all is well.... you will not hear her complain.  She is a light soul, a happy soul  and even though life is really hard for her right now I have all the faith and trust that she is going to be ok and soon this will all be over. Her husbands health will recover and he will be home in her arms once again.

Darn these trials in life. They are so hard on us, and even though I know that God is preparing me for someone special to leave this earth... I know I too will be ok ... somehow.  I just have to appreciate the now... make every moment count... and count my blessings for I have been blessed with many.

I am so thankful for my friends, for their strength, for their hope and for their courage. They are amazing women to me. I love them dearly and am so blessed to call them friend.  I know its hard right now for them. They are and always will be, in my prayers.... I am always here willing to help in any way they need. I wish I could take this from them and help more than I have, but I know God is there with them, never leaving their side and that this too will pass.  

I just had all this on my mind.... am in awe that three of my closest friends are going through such trials all at the same time... its a helpless feeling not being able to do more for them. I sometimes don't even know what to say to help them through it. But I hope they know I love them and am here, day or night.