Getting it together :)

 I have a lot that I want to do.... lists of things that need to be done around my house... lists!  We held a special family counsel last night at dinner. We talked to the kids how we feel like we need help doing things and that they could contribute more. They agreed :) WHEW!!!!!!!
SO we are going to have family counsel every Sunday at dinner.  Discuss what needs to be done that week or what we all can help work on.
This week...its getting Jesse to learn to ride his bike. Because I am out of shape and Todd gets home so late, we have asked the kids to help me. I can run with him while he peddles for only so long and because I am out of shape will need to take turns with someone. They agreed to help me :) SO HAPPY! AND THANKFUL!!!
The other thing we are going to focus on is DRIVING! We have to get Kalene to get her license.. She is working now and if she could just drive herself that would be ONE LESS place I would have to go or do. Plus I could use her help in errands and such. Cally is learning as well but Kalene only has till SEPT. 1st to get hers done because she is already 18. Cally has a years permit.

All this trying to get our family working as one has me thinking about things I want to accomplish. Like... I need to grout my tile in my kitchen SO BAD!!!!! and I need to re due it on my counters as well.... so I need to learn that.

I want to get a spiritual schedule up for me... where I make time to read articles out of the Ensign and write letters and in my journal and ready my scriptures, not just read but study.

I want to have Romance in my marriage. I love my husband but his ideas and mine are very different. I don't read smut books so its up to me fulfil this in my life and so I SHALL! I am going to start doing something creative with my man, that I consider ROMANTIC :) kinda excited to get my creative on!

I need to continue to keep my SPECIAL TIME with my kids going now more than ever because school started and they will need that one on one talking time :)

I want to exercise....

I want to start cleaning better. I want a home that is really clean looking and is  :) So I have to make schedule for myself :)

I am always happier when I have a plan... and goals. SO these are they for now :)

What I need to do....

I need to just count my blessings. I woke with all this anxiety this morning..... all the worries that I can't share with anyone.... all the things that have me upset inside...
I said about a 2 hour long prayer this morning. I AM NOT LIEING! I didn't feel different... I think God got an ear ful for sure.... I ran errands this morning and felt more anxiety..... more upset when I let my mind ponder on the things that are upsetting me at this time.

I have searched today for answers... what to do, how to feel, how to let it all go.... how to move forward... how to trust in certain things, people and God. 

As I am reading all these SO HAPPY GO LUCKY BLOGS out there, I just told myself.... count your blessings..
So I am going to do that right now and try to focus on that.


#1 Blessing,  I am thankful for urologist... they can help my son, even though he may suffer all his life with stones and kidney issues... *which worries me* he will have a doctor to help us through it all.

#2, For the priesthood. I am thankful for the Priesthood and the power that I know blesses us through blessings of healing. I know I need one right now too!

#3 I am thankful for always making all our bills, and having enough for a little extra... I am so thankful for that while I sit and watch and cry with my friends who are so struggling to just find a job and eat. I am thankful I have been blessed with enough to share with my friends struggling and to still be able to help my daughter and her husband.

#4 I am thankful for my calling. It does stretch me and make me go the extra mile.

#5 I am thankful that my Mother is still around. I just can't imagine life without her!

#6 I am thankful my husband has a job

#7 I am thankful .. SO VERY THANKFUL for the vacation our family just took. We so needed it! *UNDERSTATEMENT*

#8 I am thankful for all our health.... especially my husbands and childrens

#9 I am thankful for my pets, they love me and ask for nothing in return!

ITs a start... I am sure the list can go on but for now I will end it there.... I feel a little better. I just have to focus on the positive....

Personal Conflict

Ever feel like you wish you could talk to someone about something your going through but feel that no one would really get you or understand or even care? That you would be judged. You know all the things that usually brings insecurity.

I am going through something.... a real trial for me.  I am usually a person who wears her heart out on her sleeve and says it like it is... what I think and feel, but lately I am finding myself being cautious. I feel like I can't talk like I use to. I don't know if its wisdom or old age or what...but I have this thing I am going through. A really personal thing... no one in my family knows about it. My husband doesn't really know about it. My children for sure don't know about it. I don't feel like I can really share it with anyone too.  It kinda pains me that I feel like there isn't ONE PERSON I can share it with. 
Everyone needs someone to vent to or to share life's ups and downs with.

I have looked at my life and I have seen who are my true friends and who really aren't that I thought were.  The one I probably could share it with, she is going through too much right now to be burdened down by my stuff.

I am hurting inside.... and even though I know the answer is give it to God.. and I know I will because I feel like i have no where else to turn to.... I know it won't be the same or feel same as sharing it with someone, that is tangible.

Just needed a safe place to write that right now... I am hurting inside... and NO ONE knows... no one will see it in my face or hear it from my lips.

Several times I felt like just saying TYPE IT on Face book and see who repsonds.. but really... that isn't the place.... this could be turned into so much more than it is... and it could also be shuffled under the rug which isn't good either because to me... it is something. Whether others would get what I am thinking/ feeling doesn't matter. I am and so I can't deny it.

The question is... how do I deal with it? How would I make it better?  I know some of the answers to that questions but it doesn't mean that it will be easy.  The part that won't be easy is me feeling ok about it. 

Sometimes... I truly do wish that Jesus would just come... sometimes I feel like this life is too much... to hard.. .too painful. Too lonely.   I think of how great it will be when he comes and takes away all the evil in this life.... and chains them. How great it would be to live a life of peace.... happiness ... no temptations, no evil... no bad in the world.  It will be truly a heaven on earth. I think sometimes, I would love that right now.....   Then I wouldn't have to watch my children hurt... or struggle.. I wouldn't have to hurt or struggle... and ALL my family and I would be together again... how I long for that!

Anyhow.... I wrote this because I needed to.  I will be fine. This too shall pass, just until it does... I will have to deal.     So I shall. There was  a saying that I liked on Fb the other day... it said, “The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her; but the strength of a woman is measured by the extent of her refusal to allow those hardships to dictate her and who she becomes.” ― C. JoyBell C                    right now.... I need to remember that!

Your down to earth, say it like it is, MOM :)

 I have read a lot of blogs lately trying to feel better about myself and the struggles I go through as a Mom.   There are a lot of amazing blogs out there. Some very organized women and their lives just seem so in order and great.   Which led me to wonder how do they do it????? All of it?

I have been married now for 22 years... I started with 5 kids...*not started but had five* and then we added to our family and adopted three more *virtually starting all over again*  and even today, I am still trying to organize things, figure things out in parenting, still trying to create a home of love and refuge.

One Moms blog *which was an amazing blog* was called a Virtuous Mom. I thought wow... I don't feel worthy of that title.  I think of some very well spoken, well dressed and well educated women when I think of a title like that. Women of FAITH!

Then I laughed at myself... thinking of how I sometimes feel as a Mom, Wife and a Woman. Some of the titles I felt I could have were ....
Barely hanging on Mom, 

 Keeping my head above the water Mom, 

                                   keep moving ...keep moving Mom, 

 I can do this... I think I can MOM,

 Don't look back just look forward Mom,










and Doing it my way the best I can MOM.

These titles seemed more fitting to me.

But I know.... I KNOW... there are other women out there who feel like I do. Even the ones who seem to have it together at some point feel or felt what I have. We are all the same really, just trying to do our best and the thing we need to remember is.....

OUR EFFORTS *no matter how much we feel inadequate or like its not enough*  THEY DO COUNT! The Lord is thankful to us MOTHERS!

I know he is! 

so I found this article,

“Because She Is a Mother” http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1997/04/because-she-is-a-mother?lang=eng  by Jeffrey R Holland.... it says...."                         

If you try your best to be the best parent you can be, you will have done all that a human being can do and all that God expects you to do.


           I know I am not all I want to be yet but that is the beauty of it all.... I am becoming just that... :) and what Heavenly Father wants me to be too! :) I just have to remember that!
       

Why are you doing so much Mom?

 About a month ago I was called to teach Sunday School for the 14/15 year olds.  When they asked me to be a teacher, I truly did NOT see this one coming. I have never wanted to teach Sunday School. There is this lady in our ward... who teaches Sunday School for the adults. She really can teach. She knows her scriptures and I have always been able to walk away with something from her lessons that I had never thought of before.  I use to think... I don't ever want that calling!  Because I am not comfortable in front of others in that way.  I don't know if she is, but she doesn't look nervous if she isn't. I still don't want her calling and have even told my husband I don't think I could ever say yes to that calling. He just laughs at me.

So when I was asked to become a Sunday teacher, you could say inside I was freaking out! I took a long pause before accepting it. I really was struggling within myself to say yes. I have never ever felt comfortable enough with the scriptures to teach, I mean I had done Primary children... they are no sweat.... easy peasy! But older kids.... TEENS... PRE-ADULTS!!!! That freaked me out. 
I even asked several times, to the person asking me to accept this calling, "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME? ARE YOU SURE YOUR ALL THINKING RIGHT? ARE YOU SURE CUZ I AM NOT SO SURE!"  He tried to keep a straight face, I am sure he knew I was truly struggling with this. 

Don't get me wrong.... its not that I don't want to serve the Lord, its just... I don't feel adequate enough to do THIS CALLING. 

So... here I am..... still trying to find my nitch... my comfy spot ... my its not a big deal place.... my I can do this place... GET THE PICTURE? I am still trying to find those happy nitchy spots!
Every week I study the lesson... I start on Sunday ... after church and every night till the next Sunday when I am suppose to give the lesson... I am reading the scriptures... planning and preparing.

As I sat here at my desk... for the 3rd time going over my lesson and preparing, one of my daughters asked me, " MOM WHY ARE YOU DOING SO MUCH?"  my response, " I am suppose to... aren't I?"  She says, " I guess, but none of the other teachers really prepare or even know the material... they just teach as they go."  
So for a moment, I FREAKED... is that what I am suppose to do? NOT REALLY PUT THIS MUCH EFFORT INTO IT? NOT KNOW IT LIKE I HAVE TRIED TO KNOW IT SO I DON'T MISLEAD OR MIS GUIDE? REALLY?  *true thoughts and freaking moment *
Then my daughter says, " Mom, your a really good teacher."

Can you imagine my JOY? my daughter who is in my class... said that to me?  I just haven't felt that I am a good teacher yet. I haven't felt like my lessons are interesting or even fun. I haven't felt like I have left any important impressions or meaningful thoughts to the kids like the LORD would want me to do.... and even though my daughter is a little biased, it felt so good to hear what she said.  COMFORTING really!

I don't expect the kids to tell me that they liked the lesson or that they enjoy coming to my class. I figure the ones who choose to be there are pretty much there because I bring incentives to participate. But I have really been struggling with feeling like they called the right person to this calling since I got it. I almost am in tears on Sundays after each lesson to my husband saying, "I REALLY THINK THEY CALLED THE WRONG PERSON!" 

I know that I have never studied the scriptures in the way I am for these lessons. That is probably why I was called. God is trying to teach me how to study or something. So here I am... preparing again for another week. This week I feel like I have made it a little more interesting than any other so far... Like the kids would come in and if I didn't bring any goodies might want to stay of their own free will and actually enjoy the class. Who knows, I might be a little off my rocker! LOL ... anyhow.... these are the thoughts that I needed or wanted to share.... :)


one last thing .... I have found that I am more interested in what my children are learning at church. I have asked before, " WHAT DID YOU LEARN TODAY AT CHURCH?" but I don't think I have ever gotten so involved to discuss it with the older children in such great depth. And the best part is... if their teacher wasn't able to finish the lesson, I AM ABLE TO! :) That is something I have never been able to do and can see great blessings from.  I never thought that being a teacher would help me become a better parent. :)

I'm Trying to be like Jesus.....

Every morning, my daily life starts at 5:30 am..... first with my husband, who wakes up and usually needs to talk & cuddle. You know, starting His day off to a great start which I usually am unable to go back to sleep until he leaves at 6 :30.... then I have two options.... I can lay in bed for my moment of peace and quiet or I can get up and come down stairs until the children wake up one by one at 7 if not sooner. The thing is.... as soon as I come down stairs, my immediate responsibilities are the animals... *as if I lived on a farm* The dogs need to go out.... the birds hear me and start to sing, the parrot wants out of his cage to be loved on. So I usually stay in bed until I absolutely have to get out of it. *please don't get me wrong, I love my family and my life, but I have realized that taking care of everyone, healing them, caring for them, having the constant of people in need of me and animals has led me to believe that something has to change in order for me to make changes in my life that I want to see come about, that I feel need to come about*

I had the great blessing of getting away for a quick trip to see my oldest daughter this weekend. I was so excited to be able to sleep in.... I had the opportunity for sure...but NO... my body is on a self alarm thing I guess, because at 5:30 I was awake...then I fell back to sleep till 7 and then it was pointless to lay there. All I wanted was to be able to sleep in, just once and my own body said, " NOPE!"

I have found lately that I want some changes for myself. Spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally! I want to change for the better. I want to be more Christ-like. Have more of his personality instilled within my very soul. On my trip, while driving, many impressions came to me on how I could go about this.

First, I must find that quiet place... that peace every day even if it means I must wake up at 4:30 to do it! I really think that it’s important. Second, I need to make personal goals for myself that are realistic and attainable and third, I need to just be as thankful as possible for every little blessing that comes my way... change my attitude and perspective. I need to be content and I want to recognize every little blessings as little miracles in my life. Really devote my life to my Heavenly Father. Who wants me to devote my life to my family as well :)

So here I am thinking of what Christ-like values I really want to become. I love the above picture. It reminds me that Jesus is always here for me, waiting ever so patiently for me to just open the door and let him to take over. Sometimes, I forget that big picture.

So let’s start with my goals.... yes, I am sharing them here with EVERYONE in the world because my children need to see that I too need to do this in my life to become a better person.

Physical goals

1. I just want to become more active. If I loose weight and get tone then that is a blessing. I don't want the stress of loosing weight. I just want to change my lifestyle and become more physical in my daily life.

How I plan on doing that:

1. To make this change I need to dedicate going to the ymca *which I am paying for so I might as well do it* and work out daily and swim. *I LOVE TO SWIM*

2. I am going to encourage family bike rides and family walks through out the evenings of the week with the family :)

Emotional

1. I feel that everyone needs a venting place or a safe place to release their thoughts and emotions.

How I plan on doing this

1. I have friends that I trust, my husband and my Mother to do this with. I am also going to keep a journal of my emotions and learn to give it to God by going to him as well in prayer. Just pouring out my emotions to him and letting his will take over.

Spiritually

1. I want to be closer to my Heavenly Father.

How I plan on doing this

1. I will pray even more to him and try to wait and listen. I will read my scriptures even more... really plan ahead daily what time I will read and just do it... studying everything that I read....

2. I want to be a better servant to the Lord

How I plan on doing this...

1. I want to do a daily random act of kindness. I want to really think about what I will do and then do at least one act of kindness every day. I would love to get my children involved in this :)

3. I want to be a better Mother and I put this under spiritually because I don't think the Lord can dwell with me when I yell or loose my temper

How I plan on doing this....

1. I have considered not talking for a day and if I do only doing it in whispered tones... I know that sounds crazy but I have done this before and my children really had to pay attention to what I was doing or saying and it made an amazing difference in how we felt by the end of the day. I am really considering a trial in this again

2. I need to continue in family prayer and scripture study with our family... let nothing STOP that!

3. I need to maybe put church music on when there is a lot of conflict in the house and keep the kids busy so that they are not bored.

4. I think I need to do a fhe on this where everyone is on board... and get them involved on how to keep the spirit in our house better

Spiritually #4

I want to think kinder thoughts... loving thoughts, give others the benefit of doubt, not be so judgmental and have more compassion towards others, especially my husband and children because at times I get quick with them out of exhaustion or frustration on not knowing how to FIX whatever it is that is happening..

Mentally

1. I think I need a mental break like everyone else.

What I plan on doing

1. I think I am going to become interested in ME! I am going to have hobbies, and broaden my own horizons. My life up to this point has been all about my family... doing for them... and I think having time for myself and my own interests are just as important.

2. I also think I need to be stricter with my kids... set up things like chores first in the morning and then go on with our day. Maybe then it would be less stressful.

3. I need to get more organized with every day... just write it all out the night before what is on my agenda and then I know... maybe then I can sleep instead of listing them over and over in my head the night before ... *that keeps me awake*

Mentally #2 I need to stop being my worst enemy!

How I plan on doing this

1. Every time I say something that is negative to myself I need to replace it with a positive! I know many people do this but I HAVE TO STOP IT!!!!!!

I know I have been given so much. I think about so many others lives and all that they struggle with and I am just over whelmed with gratitude that my trials and lot isn't theirs. I have been greatly blessed. With health, family and home. My husband has a great job, we have insurance... we have stability. My children are happy and amazing people. I have animals. I LOVE ANIMALS!

I want to start looking at life as my cup is half FULL not empty... and in reality my CUP RUNNITH OVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be that person that really desires nothing in the world because she has everything. I want to be that person that only finds the good in a person... I want to be that mother that never raises her voice and has lots of patience... I have a list that goes on and on.... these are all great things to work towards and  SO .... IT STARTS NOW! :)

Have a great day! If you have read this, thank you for being my friend and loving me with all my faults and for who I have been. I am so thankful for the people God has put into my life!

Life as I know it....

  I am sitting here thinking about this month... the many great things that have come about.... how blessed I feel... and just counting all my blessings.

This last Saturday the 23rd of June, it was Todd's and mine 22nd wedding anniversary. I will say I had no high hopes or expectations on the day. But, that morning started out with a phone call from my oldest Virginia.... and her hubby Ryan.

She said, "Mom,  *paused* I am pregnant." I said...." WHAT? NO! HAHAHAHA.... your kidding right?" She said, "NO I REALY AM!" My response was basically SCREAMING and alot of movement that looked really funny as I was driving down the street.  I think I may have even shakened my husband and screamed at him... "VIRGINIA IS PREGNANT WE ARE GOING TO BE GRANDPARENTS!" 

That was a blessing... to hear such amazing news on my wedding anniversary. THE COOLEST THING EVER!!

Then the day proceeded with us shopping and getting the kids ready for our departure for the evening. ME TELLING COMPLETE STRANGERS WITH GREAT ENTHUSIAM THAT I WAS GOING TO BE A GRANDMA! :) LOL

Then Todd and I left about 3 to go to Horse Shoe Bend, where he had gotten us first class tickets on Thunder Mountain Train.  We had no clue what to expect :)

We boarded the train...it was adorable... we had our own booth table.  Through out the ride, we had the pleasure of watching a live theatrical WILD WEST SHOW!~ It was hilarious and a lot of fun! 

We met the neatest people on the train. A couple who were lds, that could not have children and had been married for 11 years.... and another very christian couple who had thier own dairy in Meridian.  The view was spectacular. You could see river rafters on the river.... ONE EVEN TOOK OFF HER SHIRT TO SAY HELLO! That was shocking!  But you really couldn't see much... kinda felt bad for the poor dear... she really had nothing to share! LOL

We were served a very delicious dinner as well. After the train ride we went to our favorite ice cream store there in Horse Shoe Bend. It has the most unique looking Ice cream. See the color on the swirl part well the color matches the flavor and you can have up to three flavors. For some reason that just fascinates me... LOL I KNOW I AM NUT!!!!!! YOU CAN LAUGH!

Came home to find our family doing just great... kids in bed... the next morning our kids woke us up to breakfast in bed.... so blessed! :) They didn't do it on our anniversary...so they made up for it. They know how important us celebrating the day we became "US" is and that means so much to me!

We had a great weekend. We went to see Brave, the park for lunch...then the FISH PARK in Boise... we love that place... then hit Krispy Kreme for donuts and were actually there when they made them so we sat and watched that for a while. When we came home... the kids all started pitching in to clean up the house and I didn't even have to ask. SO NICE!!!!!  We just enjoyed each others company. I really needed a great day like that too! NO stress, no worries, just us as a big family, smiling and enjoying each other.

I just loved every minute of it.  My children and husband mean so much to me. Family is everything! MY  LITTLE FAMILY! :) Which is growing by leaps and bounds :)

The week before at Church, my Daughter and her husband were with us for sacrament and the bench was full... One person made the comment as to say...." How many M's can

one bench hold" I love it and what they didn't know.... is that they didn't know one was hiding :) IN  VIRGINIA's BELLY :)